Ameeeeeeeeey ♥

I think I work too hard for the things I know I can't get .

Headed down to Singapore Poly today , even though I know I have no hope in getting into that poly , I went down anyway cause someone from the administrative office called and asked me to send in my supporting documents & also because Mummy keeps saying , 'You wont get the satisfaction of knowing that you tried , if you dont !' , so I went anyway . The school was mothafucking huge i tell you , I got lost just looking for the office when all I had to do was walk straight from the mrt , silly me ! Plus !, the lady in the office was no help at all , I was cracking my brains trying to rmb what course I applied for, and she offered no help at all ! Instead of helping , she told me , if I can't rmb what I applied for , my application won't be send to the right school , and then it won't be considered unless the administration people have the time . What the ? Boleh ker gitu ? okay forget bout that . atleast if Sp , Rp , Nyp♥ reject me , I still have Ite to turn to cause I got accepted to the tourism course , which I intend to transfer to another course at Ite Simei . So whatever lah , come March I'll know whether I'm accepted anywhere . Atleast I tried right ?

Am now missing Boyfie ♥ heaps !, but he's asleep ! :(
I think I'll either head to bed or watch movies online !

Bye :D

Sometimes I wish ,

That I'm smarter - but I don't get to choose my brain .
That I'm older - but I don't get to choose when I'm born .
That I'm not the oldest child - but I don't get to choose my position in the family .
That my parent's aren't so strict - but I don't get to choose my parents .

I wished i was smarter , so that i didn't have to retake my Os , and still fail stupid maths the second time round . People say Success = 10% intelligence + 90% hard work . Not saying I'm stupid , cause i can say im smart , i passed everything except for stupid maths (FUCK YOU MATHS !) , so i guess the intelligent part is covered . & For the part that states that i have to work hard in order to succeed , i dare say i put in alot of effort , staying up late studying , going for classes & going out for study groups . But why e8 , even after the second try ? yeah i go around telling people jokes that maybe i have to retake maths for another 3 times in order to secure a c5 , but nobody really knows how really crushed & disappointed i was to get the same shitty results after putting in alot of effort , resulting in me wasting a whole year . Yeah , my aunts & uncles can nag at me and tell me I'm stupid for wasting the year , but they should put themselves in my shoes , like how do i really feel ? bak kata pepatah , berat mata memandang , berat lagi bahu memikul . All i wanted was to pass my maths & get into a decent polytechnic course & i cant even do that . how sad right ?

I wished i was older so that then I'll be able to finish everything I have to do faster , & get married and live my life the way i want . So that I dont have to suffer when I get punished when things go wrong . So that I won't get grounded , over every little thing . So that I'm free to do what i want , when i want w/o having to seek permission from anybody .

I wished that i wasn't the oldest child , so that i don't have to be the responsible one , taking care of everything when my parent's not around . So that i don't have to get blamed for everything . So that I'm the one who get pampered by my siblings & parents . So that when anything happens , i dont have to put up a brave and front & keep all my emotions to myself when anything happens , like when my brothers are rude to me or when my parents blame or scold me for things i didnt do , or when atleast i think i dont deserve getting reprimanded for . It's heartwrenching when you don't have anyone to talk to in the family , thats why i lock myself up in my room , to protect myself .

I wished my parents weren't so strict . It's hard to live or be a carefree 17-year old or be friends with people when it's so hard for me to go out . If I compare my life with others , those other lucky teenagers out there got it better than me , they're free to go out wherever & whenever they want , no curfew , no restrictions . But me ? No . Because of my inability to go out whenever I want , no friends of mine ever ask me out anymore . Should this be the way i get to spend my teen life ? I'm not even allowed to wear the clothes I want , its always either too short , too revealing , too tight , too whatever .

Sometimes I wish i can just give up , cause I've run out of patience , I feel so suffocated , like I'm being locked up in prison . Sometimes I just wanna run , but I don't want anybody to worry . I guess I just took everything in my stride , and told myself not to complain , cause other people got it worst than me . Don't tell my parents just want the best for me , I know they do . But you can't blame me when I'm sick & tired of being restricted , not being able to do the things i want . All in all , i should be grateful for the things I have , that my brain is working perfectly fine , that I'm still young and that I don't have to worry about things such as bills or global warming , that I have siblings and that my parents trust me enough to put responsible for eveything , & also that I have parents , unlike orphans , pity them . Yes they care , but sometimes I wish they'll loosen up a tiny bit . I should be grateful & thanks Allah for giving me everything I have , but i guess it's just human nature to want more , to want everything to be perfect - just the way they like it .

I can be here complaining bout everything wrong bout my life , but there could be another teenager out there who'll be wishing & praying to Allah to have whatever i have .
I guess i just need to be grateful .

Happy is He who is content .

Bye :D